


Don't Wake Me

by Little_Neliel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, M/M, Slash, stripper!Kaidan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-11-27 09:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Neliel/pseuds/Little_Neliel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU - Kaidan resigns his commission after the SR1 goes down. Ends up as a stripper working for Aria on Omega, where Shepard eventually finds him. Feels ensue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came from listening to 'Don't Wake Me' - Skillet. (I'm not sure where the stripper part came from but, hey, I don't think too many of us would complain about Kaidan stripping:D)  
> Also - slight warning for implied drug use.  
> Unbeta'd so please forgive any horrible errors (I'll find a beta someday, promise^^)

_"Go, Kaidan. Now!_  
 _With a nod to the other man, he turns and heads to help more of the crew into their pods._  
 _Everyone safe, he hesitates for a second, considering going after the other man. A nearby explosion convinces him otherwise and he straps himself into the last pod, giving the signal to launch._  
 _The evac pod is blown clear of the Normandy's death throes. Kaidan watches as the ship dissolves under the last beam from the unknown enemy._  
 _"John...." he whispers to himself in the confinements of his helmet, eyes closing in silent prayer._

A harsh beeping noise pulls Kaidan from his latest nightmare. He sits up, blearily looking around for the source of the noise. His omnitool pluses on the nightstand, he grabs it and pushes the button to answer the incoming call.  
An asari appears on screen, skin a deep purple with elegant white tattoos around her eyes.  
"Kaidan?"  
He grunts in response, still trying to shake the grip of sleep.  
"You look terrible....everything okay?" she asks softly, concern in her eyes.  
"Yeah," his voice is rough, he scrubs a hand over his face, "What's up?"  
"We need you to come in today...." she began.  
Kaidan shook his head almost immediately, "No, not today Neri. I already told....I just can't."  
Two years, it's been two years since the Normandy, since the Alliance, since John. Today was a day to get drunk and remember....or not remember, he didn't know what he wanted yet.  
"Kaidan," she seemed sympathetic, and he wondered just how much she knew about his past, "You have to, Grizz is on his way to pick you up."  
"Shit...alright, alright," he sighed heavily, "I'll see you in a bit." he cut the connection before she could say anything else. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there, collecting himself. His eyes wandered to the picture on his nightstand, one of the few personal effects he allowed himself; a smiling, laughing John Shepard looked back at him.  
He placed his hand on the picture, slowly tracing the curves of his face.  
"I'm sorry," he murmured. He dropped his hand back to his side and with another sigh, then stood. Striding to the far side of the same room he pulled jeans and a gray shirt from a worn dresser. Sliding the clothes on took him mere seconds. He headed into the apartment's small bathroom to relieve himself and pull his hair into a semblance of cooperation.  
Returning to his room he threw work clothes into a small duffel bag. A knock sounded on the door as he slung the bag over his shoulder. He opened it to find the turian waiting for him.  
"Let's go," he muttered, displeasure on his face.  
"What, don't like be Aria's fetch boy?" Kaidan snarked, as they head for the waiting air car.  
Grizz turned to glare at him, but said nothing. The trip back to Afterlife was silent.  
\----  
The turian dropped him at the back of the club with a snarled warning to hurry up, then pulled away with the future equivalent of squealing tires.  
Kaidan stood staring at the backdoor, drifting to thoughts of just leaving this all behind. _And do what?_ his brain supplied him. With a heavy sigh he headed into the club.  
The back hallways were dimly lit, and hazy with smoke. He kept his head down as he passed others, heading for the shared dressing room; he wasn't in the mood for conversation right now. He arrived and slid inside, closing the door behind him. The room was empty, the others either on the floor or not here yet.  
Dropping his bag by the room's sole, shitty chair, he sat down, letting his eyes close as his head fell back onto the headrest. He couldn't bring himself to get ready, not yet; too many conflicting emotions running through his thoughts.  
He heard the door open, "Kaidan?" a soft, familiar voice called, "Can I come in?"  
Cracking one eye to see that it was Neri he motioned for her to come in.  
"Sorry to call you in," she handed him a steaming cup of coffee, concern in her eyes, "Are you going to be okay?"  
Kaidan accepted the coffee, hands tightening around the mug. He didn't say anything right away, just taking in the asari standing before him. Neri was one of the few people he knew that actually cared about him beyond what he could do on the stage; she knew nothing of his previous life, yet she was always there when he seemed to need help the most.  
He finally shrugged in response to her question, "I don't know," he dropped his eyes to the floor.  
Neri didn't say anything right away. Finally she knelt in front of him, catching his eyes again. "Kaidan...."  
"No," he shook his head, "I'm not fine, but I'll be able to do my job." He stood abruptly, putting distance between himself and the asari. He couldn't talk about it, not now; not if he was going to be able to do what he needed to do.  
He heard Neri stand and finally head for the door. She paused in the doorway, but before she could say anything she was interrupt by another of the room's occupants returning.  
"Neri!" an overly cheerful voice exclaimed.  
"Hello Tevi," Kaidan heard her respond, followed by her footsteps disappearing down the hallway.  
Turning as the cheerful turian came into the room, Kaidan managed a half smile. Tevi was dressed in barely anything, fresh off the stage.  
"Kai!" he greeted him, arms extended, "I thought you were taking the day off?"  
Kaidan shrugged, "Got called in," he fended off the hug Tevi was trying to give him. He liked the flamboyant turian, but he wasn't in the mood for anything right now.  
Huffing in disappointment Tevi flopped down in the chair, "So, you going to tell me what's wrong?"  
"Huh?" Kaidan looked at him in shock. Tevi never cared about anyone but himself; he was friendly enough but he seemed to keep others at arms length when it came to their problems.  
"I've never seen you this down," leaning back and taking a deep exhale, the turian regarded him from under hooded eyes, "So tell me what's eating you, can't have you going out on stage like that, you'll never get tips."  
Kaidan barked a short laugh, shaking his head. Of course Tevi only cared about how he looked out on the floor. Ignoring the request, he picked up his bag and pulled out his performance clothes. He quickly stripped, tossing his normal clothes into the bag. Pulling on his outfit he turned to check himself over in the room's floor length mirror.  
Aria had convinced him awhile ago to do the army stripper routine. A tight black t shirt hugged his upper body, showing every defined muscle and leaving his arms bare. His pants were modified combat fatigues, designed to tear away; they also hugged his ass like nothing else, leaving little to the imagination. Black combat boots completed the outfit, again modified so they'd come off easily. His hand traveled to the one reason he'd let her talk him into this, a set of dog tags settled on his chest.  
They weren't matching; one was Alliance Navy, the other N7.  
His eyes slid closed as he gripped the tags hard, digging them into his hand. Anderson had managed to get them to him after the funeral, telling him he was the only family Shepard had. How Anderson had known about them Kaidan didn't know, but he was grateful to him for giving him a piece of John.  
A clawed hand trailed up his side, “I may not know what's bugging you, but I might have a little something to pick you up.”  
Kaidan faced the other dancer, taking in his relaxed grin and wide pupils. He shook his head, “I'm good.”  
"Kai...." the turian next to him whined, "Take some, it'll make you feel so much better."  
"No," he growled at the other dancer, turning away.  
The clawed hand slid around his waist, and he felt a hard carapace pressing against his back.  
"Just a small sniff," a voice purred in his ear, "It'll make the day go by easier."  
Kaidan was about to rebuff the other man again, but paused.  
Maybe it would make it better.  
He didn't have to impress anyone anymore.  
There was no one left to care what one lonely ex-marine did.  
"Fine," he relented, "But I still need to be able to work."  
The turian made something close to a squeal. He shuffled away and Kaidan heard a slight rustling noise. He returned mere seconds later, curling himself back around the biotic. Nestled in his clawed hand was a small white mound of powder.  
"Close your eyes and breath deep," he murmured, sub vocals rumbling down Kaidan's spine.


	2. Chapter 2

"Aria's busy, Shepard," the Batarian held up his hand, halting the commander's progress, "She says take a load off and enjoy the show, she'll send for you when she's done."  
Shepard raised a brow, but didn't press the issue. He motioned for Garrus and Mordin to follow him; striding to the back of the club and finding a booth facing the dancers.  
"Sit, might as well enjoy ourselves," he waved a waiter down and ordered them drinks. Sighing, he leaned back in his seat, staring off into nothingness.  
Two years today, a blink of an eye for him, but for everyone else, two years. Neither Anderson nor Hackett could tell him what had happened to Kaidan. The biotic had left the service shortly after the Normandy had gone down, slipping between the cracks of society and disappearing.  
Shepard wanted nothing more than to turn all the resources at his disposal and find him, but better judgement forced him to do what he set out to do. That and he knew the Illusive Man wouldn't allow it. He still had a few contacts looking into for him, but he held little hope. If Kaidan had buried himself deep enough it would take the Shadow Broker to find him.  
"Hey," Garrus pulled him from his thoughts, "You okay?"  
"Yeah," Shepard nodded and brought himself back to the conversation at hand, "Sorry, just thinking."  
"Kaidan?"  
John gave a half grin, and nodded, "I miss him. Those biotics of his would be useful."  
"And not just against the collectors," Garrus gave the turian version of a grin, mandibles flaring.  
John glared at him but said nothing.  
Mordin looked like he was about to say something, but the lights dimmed and the music swelled, cutting the salarian off. A single light remained on, focused on the centre stage, silver pole glinting in the light.  
"Guess we're catching the show," Garrus remarked, sipping his beer.  
John made a non-commental noise, mirroring the action. He didn't much care for the shows; most bars used solely asari, something that held no interest for him. He couldn't remember the last time he saw a decent male stripper.  
Setting his beer down he was about to tell Garrus they should head out, try talking to Aria another day; he stopped as a figure stepped onto the stage. The dancer had his back to them but was clearly male, and clearly ripped. Shepard halted his action, maybe they would stick around and wait for Aria.  
\----  
"Kai...." Neri entered the room to find the biotic sprawled over the chair, eyes closed and contented smile on his face.  
Hearing his name he opened his eyes to take in the asari standing over him, "Hey Neri..." he drawled, "What can I do for you?"  
"You're on in five," she paused as he sat up, giggling, "Shit, Kaidan what did you take?"  
"Dunno," he waved in the general direction of the unconscious turian on the floor, "Tevi gave me something to help with...." he trailed off as he tried to recall just what it was.  
"Shit," Neri cursed and hauled the biotic to his feet, "Tevi's a red sand dealer."  
"Oh," Kaidan's face fell for a brief second, before perking back up again, "I should have tried this sooner, I feel great!" he flexed and giggled, then pulled the startled asari into a hug, "I haven't felt this good since....since..." he quieted as memories of John finally pushed through his haze.  
"Dammit," the asari pushed herself free of his embrace, "Are you going to be able to dance? And control your biotics?" She watched as Kaidan's attention returned to her. He smiled and pulled up a small ball of biotics in his left hand; he sighed and let it flow outward, covering his body in a blue shimmering haze.  
"I'll be fine Neri, I've done more under worse conditions," he let the flow of biotics stop and rested a hand on her arm, "Thank you." he said before heading out to the floor.  
"For?"  
"Looking out for me, being there when no one else is," he said as he slipped out the door; not giving the asari time to respond. Striding down the hall he turned the corner to the stage. A wave to the turian on the side had his music queued up as he took the stairs up to the stage two at a time.  
Pausing at the top of stairs to collect himself he took a deep breath; his fingers tightened around his dog tags one last time for luck. Another breath and he pushed himself through the curtains and onto the stage.  
The sole remaining light on the club was focused on him. All talk had stopped and all he could hear was the thumping rhythm of his dance track starting up. The red sand had given him a warm fuzzy feeling all the way down to his toes, his vision was slightly blurry and everything he touched felt electric. The familiar sight of the pole grounded him and he stepped forward; his hand gripped the cool steel and his body began to flow into the moves he had come to know so well.  
Pushing himself off the pole and coming to the front of the stage he stood facing the crowd, running his hands down his sides; throwing his head back he gripped the bottom hem of his shirt and slowly began teasing it upwards.  
His omnitool began flashing quick orange bursts as the tips started. Grinning to himself let his hand trail over his defined abs, as he hiked the shirt up further. His body was still twisting and flowing with the music as he finally pulled the shirt off, carelessly tossing it in the crowd. Spinning he grabbed the pole and let the crowd get an eyeful of his ass; he let his biotics trickle out slowly, further highlighting the definition of his muscles. The tip counter on his omnitool pinged furiously as the glow enveloped his ass.  
He pulled himself against the pole, grinding against it as if it were a lover, long forgotten. With an arch of his body he pushed away again, the music picking up in pace as he gripped the sides of his pants. With a quick tug they came loose, leaving him clad in a simple, black thong and his combat boots.  
A quick motion and he grabbed the pole and pushed himself off the ground until he was upside down; the pole resting between his ass cheeks. He wrapped his legs around the pole, muscles straining in his thighs as he let go with his hands. Sending himself into a spin, he slowly descended the pole to whistles and catcalls from the dark of the club. As he reached the floor he extended his control over the biotics glowing on his body, calling for more precision as he hovered himself in the air; still in time with the music, the strong blue glow flaring and defining his graceful movements.  
The use of his biotics also enveloped him in a sense of calm. Here he was at peace, here he could forget the outside world, if only for a bit. Closing his eyes, hands trailing over his body, he flowed into the ending of his routine.

\-----

Shepard had just set down his beer as the dancer came forward; if he hadn't he would have dropped it.  
"Kaidan?" Garrus managed to voice before Shepard could say anything.  
They were too far from the stage for the dancer to hear them, but close enough for John to see every detail, every familiar feature. Kaidan's hair was a little longer than the last time he'd run his fingers through it, still styled the same. His upper body, previously lean and wiry, was gradually revealed to be heavier with muscle and much more sculpted. Long legs twisted themselves around the pole as he spun off the ground, muscles rippling as he held himself up.  
"Aria's ready to see you now," the batarian appeared at their table, blocking Shepard's view.  
"Yeah, okay," he stood and followed the bodyguard back up to Aria's perch.  
As they walked through the club Shepard couldn't help glancing back from time to time at the dancer, at Kaidan. The batarian caught his motions and laughed.  
"See something you like, human?"  
Shepard said nothing, just stared at the batarian with a withering gaze until the other man turned away. He said nothing else until they reached the top of the club.  
"Shepard," Aria greeted him from where she lounged on her couch, one of her asari dancers kneeling beside her.  
"Aria," he acknowledge her greeting with a curt nod.  
"What can I do for the great Commander Shepard this time?" she nodded towards Garrus, "I'm afraid I'm fresh out of vigilantes for you to recruit."  
For a second Shepard forgot what they had come to ask the Queen of Omega. Garrus leaned in when he hesitated and whispered in his ear. Aria arched one elegant brow at this, "Forgot what you needed Shepard? Something distracting you?"  
"Don't," Garrus whispered half a second before Shepard barrelled in headlong anyway.  
"Who's the dancer?" he pointed to where Kaidan was still in mid-routine, body twisted around the pole, aglow with blue.  
Aria didn't even spare a glance over her shoulder, "The biotic? A nobody, he came in here looking for a job about a year and a half ago. Fantastic dancer," she shrugged, "Good for him since he won't do anything else...yet." she added with a grin.  
"I need to talk to him," Shepard stated, his eyes determined and focused on the asari in front of him, "Now."  
"I already told you he won't do anything but dance," Aria waved her hand at the turian standing near her, "Get Kai when he's done his number."  
The guard nodded and headed down the stairs. Aria turned her attention back to Shepard, "Now what did you really come here for? Don't tell me you're wasting my time because you want to screw one of my dancers."

\-------

Kaidan came down off the stage, exhausted; he was still feeling high from the red sand, the dancing having done little to work the chemical from his system. Retrieving his pants from a stage hand he pulled them back on and started for the dressing room. A turian claw on his arm stopped him in mid stride.  
"Aria wants to see you," Grizz turned and headed away, clearly expecting Kaidan to follow him.  
"Hey, at least let me get a shirt," he muttered, and continued on his way. He stopped, feeling a gun barrel in his spine.  
"Now, bitch, Aria isn't to be kept waiting."  
For a split second Kaidan harboured thoughts about throwing Grizz across the room, finally standing up the Aria's bully boy; a glare from the other man halted him and his shoulders slumped in resignation, "Fine, let's go." He fell into step behind the turian, thoughts in disarray.  
They reached the bottom of the stairs to Aria's perch when Grizz motioned for him to stop, "Wait here." The turian headed up the stairs and disappeared onto the platform. There were muffled voices and then he reappeared, motioning with his gun, "Let's go, get up here."  
With a sigh the biotic climbed the stairs, still a little unsteady on his feet. He entered the room and his eyes immediately went to the floor; eye contact with the Queen of Omega never ended well. "Aria, what do you need?"  
"Not me," she answered, "I have a client that wishes to speak with you."  
"I don't do..." he began, until Grizz butted him in the back of the head with his gun, sending him to the floor.  
"You do what Aria tells you, bitc...." his words were interrupted by a muffled thump and then the turian crashed into the ground next to him. There was a warning growl from Anto, the batarian that was always at Aria's side. He heard the unmistakable sound of an assault rifle being expanded into combat readiness, then Aria broke in.  
"ENOUGH," she thundered, "There will be no fighting in here, Anto stand down."  
Kaidan was still laying face down, the combination of the shot to the head, scarily close to his implant; and the red sand from earlier, was making it hard to focus. He felt an armoured hand on his back.  
"Kaidan?" a familiar voice asked, "Are you alright?"  
 _No,_ he whispered to himself, _No, no, no....I'm at home, I'm dreaming..._  
He raised his head to take in one John Shepard kneeling next to him, concern etched in his face; a face marred by glowing red scars, but still familiar.  
 _This is a dream,_ his mind cried out, _He can't be here, he can't be alive._  
John stood, gently pulling the other man up with him, until they were standing facing each other, everyone else in the room forgotten.  
 _If this is a dream.....don't wake me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay more already^^  
> I hope the dance scene was okay *hides* (I think I need to do some more research if I ever decided to do another one....yes research.....)


	3. Chapter 3

John slowly reached a hand out to cup Kaidan's face. The biotic's features were haggard, and his eyes were surrounded by dark circles. Eyes that were blown out, pupils wide; wider than they needed to be even in the dim light of the club.  
"Aria, what did you give him?" he demanded, turning from Kaidan to face her.  
She shrugged, "I don't concern myself with the habits of my dancers. As long as they perform they can do whatever they like. Now," she rose from her seat, like a snake uncoiling to strike, "You got the information you wanted, the leads you needed; are we done here? Because I think it's time for you to take your hands off my employee and get the hell out."  
Shepard didn't back down from her, instead placing himself between the asari and Kaidan, "He's coming with me Aria, he's no longer working for you."  
"Oh really? The great Commander Shepard, saviour of dancers and whores now?" Aria laughed. Then her face turned serious, "He's mine Shepard, and you will leave him here." She motioned to Anto, who trained his gun on Shepard.  
John snorted, "Really Aria, you're going to risk yourself and your bodyguards for one dancer?"  
She shrugged, "What can I say? He's good. That and I can't let people come in here and just randomly make off with my staff, doesn't set a good example."  
"John, please," Kaidan finally spoke, reaching out to rest his hand on the other man's arm, "I'm fine here, just leave me." _I don't deserve you anymore._  
"No."  
"John..."  
"No. Kaidan, I'm not leaving you here," he turned his attention back to Aria, "We're leaving. You try to stop us and you'll regret it." he made a slight motion with his hand and Garrus had his gun trained on Aria in a heartbeat.  
Aria glared, "Fine Shepard, get out."  
John didn't say anything, he took Kaidan by the hand and led him from the club; Garrus and Mordin covering his back. As they wove through the crowd, Kaidan caught a glimpse of Neri; she smiled at him and he suddenly wished he had more time to say goodbye to the only person he could have called a friend in the last year.  
Shepard didn't let up on the pace, walking them quickly down the fire-lit hallway of the entrance; his senses on high alert as he kept himself protectively close the the biotic at his side. They kept up the steady pace and Shepard didn't say anything until a few blocks from the club, when Kaidan finally stopped.  
"Kaidan?" he turned to face the biotic, "We need to get back to the ship..." he trailed off as Kaidan shook his head.  
"If you're going to drag me off at least let me get a few things from my place," he tried to offer up his half grin, but he couldn't find the strength. His mind was still cloudy from the drugs and his emotions were still rolling out of control from the man standing in front of him.  
"Alright," John wanted nothing more than to get Kaidan to the safety of the Normandy, but he knew the biotic was as stubborn as he was, "Garrus and Mordin head back to the Normandy, we'll catch up."  
"No," Kaidan met his gaze for a split second before looking away, "I'm going alone."  
"Like hell!" John objected.  
"Please," Kaidan didn't want John to see anymore than he needed to of his current life, didn't want to see the disappointment in the other man's eyes, "I don't want....please, just let me go alone."  
"I won't risk it," John tentatively placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, "At least let Garrus go with you, please?"  
Kaidan hesitated, but he couldn't face the look in John's eyes; sympathy and love, two things he didn't deserve right now, "Alright, Garrus can come with me."  
"Thank you," John squeezed his shoulder, giving him a small smile, "I'll see you back on the ship." He turned then, the salarian at his side, and headed for the docking bays.  
Kaidan motioned for Garrus to follow and led the way into the bowels of Omega. They walked in silence, Kaidan's mind whirling with too many thoughts to carry on a conversation.   
He couldn't believe John was alive.   
So many feelings had crashed over him at the club; disbelief, longing, angry, happiness. He didn't know what to feel, what he wanted to feel. Part of him was so angry at John, angry for him being alive; for being alive and not finding him right away. His common sense kicked in though, informing him that it was his own fault he was buried deep in the underworld of Omega.  
The other part of him wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in those arms again, held close and loved. _Do you really want him to touch you?_ the voice in his mind supplied, _After all you've put yourself through in the last year, do you think he'll touch you, do you think he'll want your tainted self?_  
Before his thoughts dragged him deeper he realized they'd arrived outside his door. He keyed in the pass code and stepped inside, motioning for Garrus to follow him in.   
"Nice place," Garrus commented, finally breaking the silence as he looked over the spartan room.  
Kaidan just shrugged, grabbing a bag and tossing in the few possessions he cared enough about to keep; the last thing to go in his bag was the picture of John from his nightstand.  
"Let's go," he keyed the door shut behind them out of habit and followed the turian back to the docking bay.  
As they approached the ship Kaidan stopped, a gasp escaping as he took in the scene before him. There, cradled in the docking clamps, was the Normandy. Sleeker, more streamlined, but the same ship.  
Except...  
"Cerberus?" Kaidan turned to Garrus, "What's going on? Why...." he trailed off as the turian held up his hand.  
"It's a long story, Shepard will explain," he continued towards the airlock, "Come on, let's get off this hellhole."

\------

The airlock had cycled, proclaiming them clean and they stepped into the CIC. There were major differences from the original Normandy but the crew bustled around the same as ever though.  
“Wow,” was all Kaidan managed.  
Garrus chuckled beside him, “It's not quite our Normandy, but she gets the job done.”  
The comm crackled to life above them, “Gets the job done? Are you insulting my girl again?”  
“Joker?”  
“Alenko? Where'd they dig your ass up?”  
Before Kaidan could decided whether to answer truthfully or tell the pilot off another voice interrupted them. This one foreign to the biotic "Garrus, the Commander would like Mr. Alenko to report to med bay,” a soothing feminine voice informed them.  
"Alright EDI," Garrus turned and headed for the lift with Kaidan in tow, “Sorry Joker, you'll have to play 20 questions with Alenko later.”  
Joker's retort was cut off as they entered the lift and Garrus pushed the button for the crew deck.  
"EDI?" Kaidan asked as the door slid closed.  
"Our ship AI," the turian grinned as the other man raised a questioning brow, "Part of that long story I was telling you about."  
The door slid open at their destination, Garrus stepped out first and they headed into the mess. A familiar figure stood up from one of the tables.  
"Shepard," Garrus gave a nod, “I'll let you take it from here, I'm going to go run some calibrations.” and he headed for the forward batteries, leaving Kaidan alone with John.  
Shepard had managed to shower and change in the time Kaidan had been gone to his apartment. The commander was wearing jeans and a simple grey t shirt that clung entirely too well to his chest.  
"Hey," John greeted him, voice low and an almost shy expression on his face. He started to reach out, wanting to touch the other man, but Kaidan pulled back a little. Dropping his hand, Shepard's eyes flicked to the floor for a minute, composing himself.  
Kaidan flinched, his emotions were in so much turmoil right now he was unsure what he truly wanted; but he knew he didn't want to hurt the other man.  
"EDI said something about going to the med bay," he offered, trying to recover the situation.  
"Yeah, we need to get you looked over..."  
"Make sure I'm not carrying any horrible diseases," he joked softly.  
John eyes snapped up to meet his; they were a riot of conflicting emotions, shock with pity and worry, "Kaidan, that's not....I didn't mean..."  
"It's okay Shepard, I know," he motioned to the other man to lead the way, he didn't want to get into that conversation in the middle of the crew deck.  
It turned out the med bay was just a short walk away. Chakwas looked up from her desk as they entered the room; Kaidan was relieved to see another familiar face.  
"Shepard, what can I do for you?" As she stood, Kaidan came to stand by John's side, "Lieutenant?"   
"Just Kaidan now, ma'am," he gave a weak grin.  
"I need you to do a full check up on him, make sure everything's okay,"   
"Of course Commander," she queued up her omnitool, already slipping into the routine, "Just hop up on the bed there, this shouldn't take too long. I'll need you to take off your shirt as well.”  
As Kaidan followed her instructions Shepard motioned her to the side and spoke in a low voice, "He's on something, I think it's red sand,” he paused, glancing back at the biotic who was fiddling with his shirt, trying to ignore the hushed conversation taking place. “Is there anything we can do if he's.....” Shepard trailed off, he didn't want to think about it.  
Chakwas shook her head, "I can try a few things but most likely we'll just have to let it run itself out of his system," she paused, thinking, "Do you know how long he was on it?"  
Shepard shook his head, "No idea," he sighed, "He was working......for Aria."  
"Oh," she placed a sympathetic hand on his arm, "Don't worry Commander, he'll be fine. If need be he has a good support system to get him through anything.”  
John sighed, the support system was there all right, but it was a question of whether or not Kaidan would let then in. He put a smile on his face and returned to Kaidan's side, "I have to go make sure Joker's knows where we're headed and follow up on a few leads while Chakwas checks you over," he grasped the biotic's hand, "I'll back as soon as I can."  
Kaidan just nodded, too unsure to say anything, he gave John a little smile as the other man finally left.   
"I'm going to need to take some blood work and check over a few other things," Chakwas informed him as she came to stand by his side.  
Kaidan just nodded again, presenting his arm to the doctor; but his eyes remained locked on the door where John had left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long pause, RL was keeping me busy busy.  
> Citadel definitely put the bug back in my ear to write more, so enjoy!

An hour had passed before Shepard finally managed to break away from his duties. Chakwas met him outside the door, file pulled up on her Omnitool.  
"Shepard," she greeted him.  
"How is he?"  
She sent him the file, "He's in decent physical condition, probably better than when he served on the original Normandy. Mentally seems good too, although I'm not cleared as a psychiatrist."  
"And the drugs?" he asked softly, worry in his eyes.  
"It seems like it was a single dose, there's no signs of prolonged use."  
Shepard heaved a sigh of relief, "Good, can I see him?"  
"Of course."  
He thanked the doctor and headed into the med bay. Kaidan was sitting up on the bed, staring his hands; little bursts of biotics flared between his fingers like a nervous tic.  
"Hey," John called softly, coming to stand near to him.  
Kaidan looked up, "Hey," he responded, voice deep and rough.   
Silence sat between them for a few moments, neither knowing what to say.    
Unbidden, John's eyes began trailing over the biotic's body, taking in the changes from the last few years; his heart fell as he saw the strength Kaidan had need to survive on Omega. He'd always appreciated his lover's slimmer body, trimmed with whip-like musculature. The man in front of him now was a hardened solider, no longer the gentle man he once knew.  
"Kaid....." he began, wanting to apologize, wanting to hold the other man. His hand reached out to touch him, but Kaidan shied away.  
"Don't..." _Don't touch me. Don't taint yourself_ He finally met John's eyes. They were full of sympathy and love, and Kaidan couldn't take it; his gazed dropped again. "When I lost you," he began softly, "I didn't know what to do. I left the Alliance, left everything behind because everything reminded me of you." He didn't know if he was apologizing, or trying to justify his actions.  
John didn't say anything, he just waited for Kaidan to continue.  
"I tried, Anderson reassigned me after....after the Normandy, but I couldn't do it. I was surrounded by the Alliance and every time I turned around I expected you to walk into the room," he sighed heavily, "It broke me. I left my commission and took the first transport. I didn't care where it was going, only that it wasn't to Alliance space. That's how I ended up on Omega." He shuddered at the memory. Drunk and heartbroken, he'd staggered into Afterlife. And never left it seemed. When he could no longer pay for the drinks he needed to keep the ghosts at bay, he'd begged Aria to let him work for her.  
"Aria gave me a job," he continued, not wanting to dwell on the lowest days, not wanting John to hear just how far he'd fallen; though he suspected the other man had a good idea, "I threw myself into it, " he gestured to his body, "And discovered I wasn't horrible at...well, stripping. She tried to get me to whore myself out," he gave a self depicting snort, "But I guess I still had some standards, however low. That was almost a year ago." He looked to John again, waiting for the revulsion to appear in his eyes, but the same understanding gaze still greeted him.  
Throughout Kaidan's story John had remained quiet, taking in the details of, if he was being honest with himself, what his death had caused. He felt an ache in his chest as the biotic wrapped up his story and fell silent.  
"Kaidan...."  
He was cut off as Joker came over the comm.  
"Commander."  
"Not now Joker," Shepard curtly dismissed his pilot.  
"Sir, it's Admiral Hackett, he...."  
"I said, not now, I'll take the call as soon as I'm done here," he said in a tone that brokered no argument.  
Joker said nothing, but EDI's voice announced that she had signed Shepard out.  
"You better take that," Kaidan said, "Can't keep the Admiral waiting."  
"I have more important things going on right now, he can wait," John stated, a small smile on his face.  
"More important?," Kaidan's tone was sarcastic, and he turned, looking away from Shepard, "You can deal with the ex-marine turned stripper later, go..."  
"Stop it," John almost slipped into his Commander voice, "You are more important to me than anything else," his voice softened, "I wanted to find you as soon as I woke up, but no one knew where you were," he moved until he was standing right in front of him, close enough that their legs brushed together as John ran his hand up the outside of Kaidan's thigh.  
Kaidan raised his head, eyes locking with John's icy blue ones. His other hand slowly reached out to cup Kaidan's cheek. The biotic hesitated at first, doubts still rolling around in his mind, but the look John was giving him finally broke through. Despite everything John had seen and heard about how Kaidan had spent the last few years he still cared for him, still loved him. He leaned into the touch, eyes closing as relief washed over him.  
With this revelation he was finally able to let go of the stress, the sadness, the wanting of the last few years. As it drained from him his body began to shake, tremors racing down his spine; he felt the tears coming on, but there was little he could do to hold them back.  
"Kaidan?" Shepard's voice was full of concern as the body before him began shaking. He pulled his lover up,   
"John...." Kaidan's voice cracked and he buried himself against him, as sobs began to wrack his body.  
The grief of losing John, of falling low, of everything came out. He couldn't stop it. Between sobs all he managed was repeating 'I'm sorry', face buried in John's neck.  
John simply held him, hands rubbing his back and holding him close. He wanted to say so much to the man in his arms, but Kaidan was at a point where he probably wouldn't hear anything.  
As the storm of Kaidan's despair subsided, John gently pulled his chin up.  
"I'm...." he began, but was shushed by Shepard.  
"You have nothing to be sorry for, love," he smiled gently, thumbs stroking the tears from his cheeks, "I'm just glad I found you."  
With a few deep breaths, Kaidan finally composed himself, the last of tremors leaving him. He sniffled a few times before heaving one last sigh.  
"Better?" John asked lightly.  
"Yeah," Kaidan nodded, and made an effort to wiped the moisture from John's shoulder; it wouldn't do to have the commander of the ship walking around with a damp shoulder.  
With a laugh, John pushed his hand away, "I'll get a clean one," he entwined his fingers with Kaidan's and turned towards the doors, "Come on."  
They left the medbay and headed straight into the lift; ignoring the few crew in the mess hall. It was waiting for them and they entered, doors sliding closed behind them. Before Kaidan could find words, the doors slid open again to a small hallway. John lead him from the elevator, through the doors and into a spacious cabin.  
Stopping just inside the doors he turned to him, almost shyly, "What do you think?"  
Kaidan took in the massive quarters with a quick glance, his eyes returning to John almost immediately, "I guess it's great," he murmured softly, shrugging, "But I could really care less what it looks like..." he trailed off, his free hand slowly trailing up Shepard's arm.  
"Kaid...." John pulled him close, wrapping him in a tight embrace. The biotic sagged against him, the events of the day finally catching up. John smiled and headed for the bed, dragging Kaidan with him. The biotic flopped down, clothes and boots still on. A groan escaped him as the bed gave very little.  
"It's hard as shit..." he muttered into the pillow.  
Laughing, John lay next to him, forgoing getting undressed as well, "I think they blew all the comfort budget on Joker's chair."  
Kaidan didn't say anything, he just rolled into John's arms; back pressed against Shepard's chest. John's arms slid around his middle, settling on his stomach, gently tracing patterns over his shirt. As they lay there, drifting off in peace, Kaidan groaned, "The Admiral..."  
John shook his head, "I'll get back him, don't worry about it," he tightened his arms around Kaidan.  
They lay in silence for a few, before Kaidan's muffled voice broke the quiet again, "John?"  
"Mmm?" almost asleep, it was the best response he could make.  
"Don't leave, stay here till I'm awake...please?"  
Smiling he rolled on his back, pulling Kaidan over until the biotic's head was pillowed on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around him again and he burrowed his face into Kaidan's hair.  
"I'll be right here, love."

**Author's Note:**

> This is planned out in its entirety, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get chapters out. -.- RL is silly sometimes.  
> Comments and concrit are always appreciated, let me know what you think^^


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